a personal post

I'm going to ramble on for a long while here. Just getting out some thoughts that I think have really been bottled up for a while. A lot has been going on lately and I feel like I haven't really shown anything for it. All my posts have been brief because I've been so tired by the time I upload. I'm going to get super personal here, but I feel like it's important for me to document this time in my life.

So a few days ago, I got kind of a blow. I did pass my course, however, I had only just barely passed. My work wasn't quite up to par. The quality could've been so much better and I just fell short. It's hard to deal with things like this, but I appreciated the honest feedback regardless and it was certainly a wake-up call for me to get my shtuff together and start managing my time better. Being at home post-graduation has been taking a toll on me emotionally and I've been super stressed and can feel myself sinking back into my depression. Getting out of bed is hard. But nonetheless, the circumstances are no excuse. I see so many people making amazing work who also work full-time jobs and have children to feed and I think to myself how I shouldn't have any excuse. If they can do all that and make good work, then I should be just as capable. I'm in a constant battle with myself and all the mental health things. However, at the end of the day, it's my responsibility to take care of myself and manage it in a way that allows me to still accomplish what I need to. Perhaps, that's a controversial idea, with all the "self-care" things going around, but I know for me I really only have myself to blame. Because honestly, I probably would feel better mentally/emotionally if I was actually working hard and producing better work.

With that I plan to go into next term with head high, refreshed, and prepared to do better. (also I won't be taking an additional workshop on top of class). Really work my butt off and lock down and FOCUS. I think my biggest problem this term was lack of focus. I got distracted easily looking for small bursts of dopamine just to get through the day à la YouTube videos and games. That's where the depression comes in. If not for feeling so bad, I probably wouldn't have gotten sucked into the outlets, hence, being more focused. But anyway... this 2 week holiday break will be a good chance for me to really take a breather and stop beating myself up and just work already. I want to practice some small shots and basic body mechanics, even if it's just things like walk cycles. The game workshop has honestly given me so much to work towards and look forward to. I want to make some animations for a game reel. Making short combat attacks and adding personalities to idle animations and jumps. That is another thing though. Taking this short little game workshop has given me some hope. In a long time feeling helpless and stuck, the game animation stuff has really given me a glimmer of hope. Something that I really need at this point in my life to keep going and keep pursuing what I set out for. I was never about to give up on animation, (because let's face it, I'm way to far in the hole at this point), but some days it just felt so impossible to keep going on. This is the reason so many people quit pursuing art. Because it gets hard like this and discouraging and it becomes impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Suddenly it just doesn't seem worth it because you can't actually see yourself getting any farther. But the only thing that will get you farther is just to keep going. And that's why I always say that as long as you don't give up, you won't fail. It's a hard idea to hold onto, no doubt. As an artist, it will always feel like the universe and everyone and everything around you is throwing you every reason to just quit. (i.e. seeing people so much more talented than you, feeling like you're progressing too slowly or not at all, how competitive the jobs are, how little the jobs pay, getting knocked down again and again, etc.) And unfortunately, I know so many people who fall victim to this. I can't blame them, because again, all these reasons above are super real and valid reasons to maybe look for another career if an artistic job doesn't seem worth putting up with all of these things. But I truly believe that the ones who want it bad enough are the ones who end up being successful because they got hit with all these reasons too just as hard, but their drive and their desire to do what they love ended up being stronger. (maybe I'm just getting cheesy now).

Back to the point... I really believe that the game realm is where I should be headed. While I'm not sure I really believe in "meant-to-be" or anything, based on my emotional and mental response to everything, I think it's definitely what's right for me now. While the fantasy of me walking through the doors of Pixar to start my first day of work still brings tears to my eyes, I know I have a long way to go still to get there and taking this other path doesn't at all extinguish that dream. I would still like to get the skills to do film, but for right now as I listen to my gut and my natural response to the game stuff, it's really what gets me excited. It gets me motivated. And that is what I need right now. I need what's going to help drive me to keep working. I enjoy it. I've really had fun working in Unreal and seeing my animations come to life "in-game". And although the blueprint stuff isn't exactly the part of being a game animator, I honestly found the need to be thinking a little more technical to be rather refreshing.

(on the other hand, I sometimes wonder if my constant use of the image of Mike and Sulley from Monsters University was almost like foreshadowing how this would go since in that film, Mike is all set and determined to become a scarer, but finds he's much better at being a scaring coach because he wasn't fit to be a scarer. Idk... seems symbolic almost).

I sometimes question my balance between the art and the science. I love 3D animation because it combines art with tech, although it is more artistic than technical. I was always awful at science and my creative thinking always outweighed my logical thinking. However, I sometimes think this kind of puzzle-solving side exists still and maybe is what needs to come through a little more. That's why I didn't find rigging to be totally awful.

Today at the end of the game workshop session I felt like I could clearly imagine what I wanted my reel to look like. I've made a plan. This break, I also want to continue to play around with Unreal and try bringing in other rigs with animations on them. I want to try to really polish up what I have in Unreal to include it on my reel in addition to some body mechanic shots.

It's too soon to tell, and also finances come into play, but I've been considering exploring other courses regarding the game route. I'm excited for it all. And again, I finally feel like I have some hope towards the near future again.