Trials and Tribulations
I was going to title this "Necessary Failures" or something of the like. But then I supposed that failure isn't a word that should be used so loosely. In art, and in life, failure is necessary and is what helps us grow and teaches us lessons. Regardless of how much we "fail", we still gain something from it. Therefore, I don't know if I should really call it "failing".
This project and really this whole quarter has been a big test for me. I feel like I say that just about every quarter and every year. But this time, and on this project in particular, I've never felt like I've been so in trouble- by this I mean, screwed. I think that I've always relied on myself to figure everything out in just the right time. This time is a little different. I've been facing new challenges and new things that I really can't go off of any prior knowledge to figure out. I am starting scratch and need to find a way to teach myself, thus, taking time to do so.
Even as soon as I believe that I have figured it out or finally succeeded, I go to test it, and instantly there's something wrong and then I need to go back in, find the problem, and then find a way to fix it. It's been a very frustrating process and there's a part of me that blames myself and knows that it's my fault for not putting more time on it. Instead, I used that time on a different project, one that I wanted to get done really well, but probably didn't require all the time that I used on it.
I should've pulled more all-nighters just to squeeze everything in. As much as I want to use the whole, "3 studios" and "never done this before" excuse, I know that I can't. I know that I am not the only one in this situation. I know that others have the same amount of experience and some even less, and yet they are still doing this, and some are doing better than I am.
These are the things, however, that I cannot dwell on. Especially not now. Comparing myself only to make myself feel ashamed for my mistakes or the pace at which I solve these problems, isn't going to get the work done or make me better. I need to stop feeling bad about what I didn't do and do everything I can to make things work now. I need to focus and work to the best of my abilities for the time being and with the knowledge that I have.
It's easy to regret not taking the time in year's past to get ahead while you had time to do so. I try my best to not think about it and focus on using the time I have now to learn and practice during my breaks. Because no matter what, you can either do it now, or do it later. You can't go back and time and do it. So the best option here is to do it now and not rush. I'm training myself to not expect perfect or amazing results the first time I try something.
It's hard sometimes, but it's necessary to forgive yourself when you don't meet your own expectations or when you don't have as nice of a result as someone else. Sometimes it feels like everyone else is way ahead of you or they're more skilled. You like to convince yourself that it's because they've practiced more, but sometimes they have all the same amount of experience as you, and they're just faster learners. However, like I said, you can't get hung up on the comparisons. Just because the person next to you got something to look really great on the first try, doesn't mean you're just doomed to fail and never get it right. Everything you do puts you a little closer to becoming great.
Too often it all feels so daunting. It feels like you'll never get to the level you want to be at so it's tempting to give up believing there's "no point in trying." But there is a guaranteed good result if you just keep persisting. As long as you don't give up, you will get there.
My production class project may turn out really awful. I already didn't count on using it as a reel piece. But I can't be too broken up about it. Because the fact of the matter is, it's going to be how it's going to be. The mistakes I've made have already been made. The time I've used has already been used. I just need to keep working to the best of my ability with the resources and time that I have and then move forward with the lessons I've learned from this.
Regardless of how badly I've messed up in this project, I have so much more knowledge now than when I first entered this class. I'm going to be far more mentally prepared for working on a senior film. And the next time that I need to do any of the steps of this pipeline, it will go a little quicker, a little easier, and a little better.
