Rambles #11: Sometimes it's Difficult and Scary

I think I've mentioned before that I've started listening to Animation Podcasts to get inspired and learn a thing or do about the real world. Today as I worked on my final for 3D principles I listened to a couple of different podcasts. I listened to "The Animation Podcast: The voices of Animation" by Clay Kaytis. In particular I listened to the episodes interviewing Andreas Deja and James Baxter (whom I got to see a Q and A in person and watch animate live). I also listened to "Rusty Animator Podcast" by Rusty Gray.

But one I listened to in particular that actually isn't a generally animation podcast at all was, "Don't Keep Your Day Job" by Cathy Heller. It was an episode interviewing Director/Animator, Saul Blinkoff. And this episode was everything that I needed to hear at this time of my life.

Generally speaking, I struggle with self-confidence both in my personal self as well as my career goals. It's been that way for years and still continues. Some days are better than others. Times like now, I start to crack down on myself and I start to question my abilities and my future. I ponder if I will ever be quite good enough at animating or drawing or if I'll ever make it. I think that the scariest thought that everyone has is having regret. The future is always unknown and uncertain and that's something we have to learn to accept about life. But that uncertainty is scary and can be what holds us back from reaching our full potential.

For me, I sometimes freak out when I think of the future. I worry that all the time that I'm spending in school (and all the debt that I'm going into) won't be worth it because I won't make it as an animator and that if I had just picked an easier or "safer" career I would be fine. I think everyone worries this at some point. It's a valid fear and it sometimes seems that we're less afraid of the failure and more afraid of the regret. That feeling and knowing that you can't change the past. So the decisions that you make right now are what impacts your future and hopefully, you won't regret those decisions.

But I reassure myself that I never know until I try. I WANT to be an animator. I want it more than anything, and not trying for that would be the biggest regret I'd ever have. And the biggest key in that is trying and working to get there. Don't give up.

Blinkoff said that his story is about how a talent-less kid became successful in the industry. He talked about how he went to school to become a Disney animator and how he realized that he wasn't good enough and that his skills weren't where they needed to be. He talked about how his best friend got the internship, but he didn't because he wasn't good enough and how he decided to just give up right then and there. But the he watches a film called "Rudy" about a boy who wants to become a football player. Even though this character is unqualified on every level, he keeps working at it and ends up making it. And this inspired Blinkoff to keep going, to take the notes that Disney gave him, and he got better. And in the eventually, he made it to Disney, worked on numerous films doing character animation, and is today a director of all sorts of films.

This story spoke to me on so many levels. I started getting choked up by the end of it in the middle of the animation lab today. Sometimes I feel like I'm so rock-bottom in my skill level and it still blows my mind that I am literally just finishing up my first 3D animation class now and will be expected to start conceptualizing for senior film in just a few weeks. By this time next year I'll be just about to enter the final quarter of my college career and will be entering the real world. By this time next year, I should be ready with a reel, a resume, experience, and potentially qualifiable skill. The idea is surreal to me. Often times when I'm sitting frustrated at the computer trying to get the jitters out of my spline and Maya keeps crashing, I break down because I feel so incredibly far away from being even close to what a company would look to hire. I see my peers, ones that seem miles ahead of me and so talented and seeing how even they can't get jobs and it's terrifying. Sometimes it just feels impossible. Sometimes it feels like it won't be worth it, or I just will never get good enough or won't have enough time to become good enough. Sometimes it feels like even with hard work, it just comes down to luck. But even when everything feels like it's all crashing down around you, you have to remember that you still have control. You have the ability in every way to make yourself better than you were yesterday.

Blinkoff gave some really good advice. He said that the outcome is not in our control; only the effort. He said to constantly ask yourself, "What can I be doing to get better?" and not only ask yourself this question, but ask other people. Ask people who are better than you. He asked this question to the people at Disney who rejected him and they simply told him exactly why he wasn't what they were looking for and what he could do to get better. And so he took what they said and he did it. Blinkoff advised to surround yourself with work and people that are better than you. He said that he took down his drawings and replaced them with master works from Michelangelo and Da Vinci as that is what he wanted work towards. Blinkoff explained that every day you need to be able to say the sentence, "Nobody worked harder today than me." If you can say that truthfully, then you're doing it right. If not, well then you probably need to push yourself a little harder. But every day, you should be able to say that sentence. And lastly, Blinkoff said to always "exceed expectations." Not just in your craft, but in everything. Do a little extra than what people are expecting. That is what will give you the edge.

What it all boils down to is again, the hard work. The effort. To simply not stop or give up. No matter where you may feel you are in your skills, you can always get better and you have the ability to make it happen. As long as you continue to do so, you won't have to worry.

And as I've heard from all my professors as well, everyone has started off exactly where you are now and they've made it. We all expect ourselves to just be child prodigies and be naturally good and when we're not we freak out, but the thing is, everything takes practice, hard work, and dedication.

Perhaps that seems obvious, but I feel like many of us lose sight of that. We're blinded by our high expectations for ourselves and then beat ourselves up for not achieving them. I sure do.

Instead of getting hung up on the mistakes, we need to accept them and learn from them and continue to do our best and no matter what, not give up. We will get there.