The drawing thing

I've talked a lot about how amazed I was at how I came to like drawing again this 9 months. I've had some fun drawing courses with really cool teachers.

Even though I can't say that I hate drawing anymore, I realize my relationship with it isn't at all what it used to be. (That sounds so dramatic ^_^')

What I notice that's different is that I have to think about it too much. Essentially, what's happening is that I sit down with a pencil and paper and I get lost, but not in the good way. I start drawing something just to see where the pencil takes me but it's like my heart isn't in it enough to get me anywhere I feel like my drawing ability is by chance as if I have no control over it. If I'm lucky the drawing will turn out good. I think this is where my frustration has been these past few years. Maybe it's a result of suddenly realizing you're not that good and the whole loss of confidence thing. Though, I’ve come to accept a long time ago now that I’m not amazing at it. This acceptance has helped me get past the discouragement. Now it’s just finding a way to love doing it again. The way I've described it in the past though, is that I feel uninspired.

What fueled my drawing passion back in the day was the fact that I drew pretty much all fan art. I drew my favorite cartoons and film characters. I also posted it to deviantArt like nearly every artistic and geeky teenager. Later, it was my friends. But now that I don't have a story and characters to obsess over, I guess I'm kind of just at a loss.

I've taken up this new 30 Day Drawing Challenge (in the middle of the month as always with me... :P) and posting it to hold myself accountable for drawing every single day. It's forcing me to take time out of my day to draw.

I feel kind of embarrassed though because the work I'm posting really isn't my best and I'm frustrated when making it.* It used to be that drawing felt so fun and effortless. Well, maybe "effortless" is the wrong word but what I mean is that it didn't feel like a struggle. It instead felt like a challenge and I enjoyed it.

Now it just feels as troublesome as trying to figure out a math problem for class. (ok maybe not that awful). I feel stumped and I just feel like I'm no good rather than just enjoying the ride that drawing is.

I'm sure that when I find that special thing to inspire me, it'll be smooth as butter from then on. But right now, I just need to be patient just like with everything else.

I think I'll start posting my challenge to my gallery page.

*then there's the anxious voice in me that's worried that people will think that i'm posting my work because i think it's good. and i don't want them to look at the work that isn't good and think that i think it's good when it's not good. yea... i need to stop worrying about things like that and just post whatever the heck i want. it's all for myself anyway.